Fine. I'll sleep in my office
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Let's paint friendship bongs
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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