I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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