Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
