I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize