I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
