You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
