I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
