I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
