I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
