I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
