so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
