i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
