Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
id be glad to
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
