I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
