she woke up with a sticky ear
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
