i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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