Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
