Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
