Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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