At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
