You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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