what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
