Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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