I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just tell him i said nine months
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
