He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
there is glitter all over my balls
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
