everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
