Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
