I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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