Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
