theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
