Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
