I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
