he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My ass is underappreciated
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
