why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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