At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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