I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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