Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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