You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
