My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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