she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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