and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
