There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
