Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
