so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
