i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
