I'm lost and stupid without you.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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