The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
All the doctor said was why
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
