Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We had sex on a dog bed..
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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