I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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