yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
