I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
