Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Randomize
