goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
