Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
